What Is Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment is a type of insecure relationship that children have with caregivers. Having this attachment in childhood can affect your adult relationships.

is the ability to make emotional bonds with other people. It starts at birth and continues into early and later life. It's a way of relating to another person.

The type of attachment you had with main caregiver creates a blueprint that affects your later relationships. When your emotional needs aren’t met or responded to, it can have a long-lasting effect. This is called an insecure attachment.

Your attachment style is formed in the first 18 months of your life and based on your relationship with your main caregiver. (Photo Credit: Generative AI by Getty Images)

What causes anxious attachment?

An anxious attachment happens when a caregiver fails to give attention and show affection in a dependable, predictable way. The baby learns they can't trust that their needs will be met. This is more likely to happen from:

How common is it?

It's hard to pinpoint how common attachment problems are. Anxious attachment isn't a clinical diagnosis, and estimates are based on surveys that ask people either to classify themselves or describe their childhood relationship with their parents. However, research shows more than 40% of adults may have some kind of anxious attachment style.

There are four main attachment styles. Different therapists or scholars may use different terms, but they include:

Secure

Anxious-ambivalent

Anxious-avoidant

Disorganized

‌These attachments can shape how you react and behave in your adult relationships, especially with a romantic partner. Understanding these patterns can help you learn what you need and how to overcome problems.

Anxious-ambivalent attachment

The term "preoccupied attachment" may also be used. People with anxious-ambivalent attachments are usually needy. They are anxious and have low self-esteem. They want to be close with others but are afraid that people don’t want to be with them.

As a child, your parents probably were inconsistent. They might have responded sometimes. Other times, they might have been distracted or just not there. You might have felt anxious and unsure.

Anxious-avoidant attachment

This style is also called "dismissive attachment." People with anxious-avoidant attachments are the opposite of needy. Instead of wanting to be emotionally close, they with others. They might rely on themselves, crave freedom, and find it difficult to deal with emotions.

Your parents were probably unavailable as a child. They might have rejected your needs or emotions, and you learned to withdraw and soothe yourself. You learned to avoid closeness or never knew what it felt like, leading you to avoid it altogether now.

Other attachment styles

Secure attachment. People with a secure attachment style have empathy but can set boundaries. They are satisfied in their close relationships and feel safe and stable.

As a child, your parents were probably good at responding to your needs and managing their stress in healthy ways.

People who have secure relationships:

Have a good sense of self-worth

Openly express feelings

Easily ask for and give support

Like being with others but don’t get anxious if they are not

Disorganized attachment. This is also called "fearful attachment." People with this attachment style don’t feel they deserve love. They usually have an intense fear of relationships, which may come from childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect.

If you have this attachment style, you might have had a caregiver who ignored your needs or had chaotic behavior that was scary and traumatizing. They might have had their own emotional problems.

Having an anxious attachment can make it difficult to deal with stress and change. You might struggle with romantic relationships, friendships, and other relationships.

Anxious attachment traits

Signs of an anxious attachment include:

In a relationship, anxious attachment can look like:

Neediness or clinginess

Lack of boundaries

Jealousy

Trouble showing vulnerability

Feeling anxious when you’re away from your partner

Wanting to pull away when someone needs you

Becoming obsessed with or fixated on someone

Constantly seeking assurance of your partner's feelings for you

Sabotaging the relationship by starting fights or cheating

Trouble getting over a breakup

It’s important to remember that an anxious attachment style doesn’t mean you weren’t loved as a child. It means that you didn’t receive all the emotional attention that you needed. Your personality and other life experiences might have also played a role.

Anxious Attachment Triggers

If you have an anxious attachment style, fear of rejection or abandonment is never far from your mind. Even an ordinary aspect of relationships, such as an occasional argument, can be a trigger. It's easy for something your partner says or does to send you spiraling into insecurity and worst-case scenarios, or make you want to run for the door. 

For example:

You catch your partner in a lie.

Your partner suddenly starts acting distracted or distant.

Your partner isn't consistent in the way they behave or relate to you.

Your partner doesn't pay attention to things that are important to you.

You feel pressured to make a commitment

Your partner asks for more attention or communication.

Your partner has trouble controlling their emotions.

Your triggers might be different. Understanding what causes you anxiety in a relationship is the first step toward changing it.

There are some things you can do if you have anxious attachment.

Work on self-awareness. You may not understand why you feel or act the way you do in relationships. The next time anxiety starts to bubble up over something your partner did or didn't do, take a minute to examine what you're thinking and feeling. Ask yourself what may be underneath that reaction.

Learn communication skills. Learning how to express your emotions and ask for what you need can help you be clear in your relationships. Learning nonverbal cues such as posture and gestures can help you better interpret how your partner feels. This can help you react more appropriately.

Go to therapy. If you have trouble with your relationships, it’s a good idea to talk to a therapist. Therapy can help you resolve some of your earlier childhood experiences that gave you this relationship blueprint.

Form healthier patterns. A therapist can also help you identify things that trigger you and recognize when your reaction is unhelpful. You can work on better ways to respond to conflicts and relate to your partner.

Find someone who is securely attached. It might feel uncomfortable at first to have a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment. This can help you understand what a stable and safe relationship feels like. Also try to build friendships with people who have high self-esteem, good boundaries, and are securely attached.

Practice secure behavior. This can be as simple as spending time alone. Or you could practice talking about your feelings with a friend or your partner without becoming emotional or withdrawing. It will probably cause you anxiety at first, but with time this can help you feel more secure.

How to self-soothe anxious attachment

When you feel triggered, these are some things you can try in the moment to ease your anxiety:

Practice deep breathing exercises.

Do yoga or get some exercise.

Take a walk in the woods.

Put on some music, get a massage, or otherwise treat yourself to something you enjoy.

Be kind to yourself. Try positive affirmations.

Find a creative outlet to express your feelings, such as painting or writing in a journal.

Anxious attachment is a style of relating to other people that's rooted in your earliest childhood experiences. If your main caregiver wasn't consistent in meeting your emotional needs, you may have grown up to have insecurity and trust issues in your relationships. Once you understand why you feel and behave the way you do, it's possible to change.

What does anxious attachment feel like?

If you have an anxious attachment style, you may feel insecure, threatened, suspicious, and fearful of being rejected. If your partner has it, they may seem either clingy or emotionally guarded.

What causes an anxious attachment style?

According to attachment theory, your attachment style is formed in the first 18 months of life and is based on the way your main caregiver related to you. If they didn't meet your emotional needs in a consistent way, you might have developed an anxious attachment style.

How do you love someone with anxious attachment?

If your partner has an anxious attachment style, you can help by being consistent in your behavior and clear about your feelings. Honesty is key. Learn what makes them feel loved and reassured so you can practice that. Couples therapy may benefit you.